September 4, 2014

Starbucks Girl

I live a life of quiet dignity. Which is to say I live alone, and unfucked. But, like most of you I’m sure, I’m as complicated as it comes. At night when I can’t sleep, I make lists in my head. “Number one, make a list Check mark. That was easy.” It’s like I’ve already succeeded! I find it numbs me to sleep on those nights I need numbing to sleep. Did I mention the unfucked thing? Other times I lie there and I think of practical jokes I might play on my cat. Wouldn’t Mr. Noodle be surprised if his bowl was on the top step?

Every morning I go into Starbucks. I move past the pretty half-shirt girls ordering complicated coffee drinks. I order tea. I’m already an outsider. I like to keep my interactions to a minimum. If I ordered a fancy coffee, everyone would look when they called out my name.

“Chandra! Neven! Marzipan!”… I hate drawing attention to myself. I pee at home. I can’t stand having to ask for the bathroom key. Why is the bathroom key dangling off that degrading length of wood anyway? Why would that piece of wood need to be so long? Are they contemplating some trouble in there? An ambush? Hoowah! Is it some kind of exclusive club? Hardly. Because I know, as we speak, a homeless guy is in there rotating his clothes.

I order tea. But at night, I imagine if I ordered a fancy coffee, what my Starbucks name would be. Corrindifer. Corrindifer breaks hearts with a glance. Her cat is not named, Mr. Noodle, her cat is named “Cocaine,” and not because he’s white in color, but because she actually does cocaine off of him. Corrindifer doesn’t wear panties, because she left them in some guys glove compartment. Corrindifer says things like, “Listen, are you going to suck my tits all night, or are you going to fuck me?” Honestly, I’m not sexy and I know it. I don’t really have one of those bodies. If a bit of my stomach does show, someone says “You might want to do something about that.”

But today I walked into Starbucks, and I was wearing, as fate would have it, my little sister’s jeans. Er, actually, she’s my older sister, she just seems younger because of all ‘the mistakes’. The jeans were a bit tight, they lifted and separated. They re-organized things and then brought them back together in the most kick ass way, I walked in and realized everyone was staring at me. Men looked up from the screenplays they were writing, and you know REALLY took a good long look. I must also say, and we don’t have time for this, but I have a very complicated relationship with my hair. And for reasons that are too long and technical to explain, it was the perfect combination of dirty, windswept, and spit-laden, that made it, dare I say “perfect”. I stood there the centre of attention being devoured by all those onlookers!

And I realized – I was the best looking girl in Starbucks today! When I got up to the counter – I ordered a drink of just foam. They wrote “Corrindifer” on the cup…

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